Thoughts

     We've been trying to get pregnant for about 2 1/2 years. I've taken fertility meds for a year and I've had 3 IUI with no success. It was time to move on to something different. I had decided to take a two month break and then to look into fertility clinics. When the two months were up though, I found myself hesitant to call. Every time I thought about calling a clinic I would get a panic feeling. I could not get myself to do it. Later I realized that I was happy. I still wanted a child, but I was not getting my hopes up each cycle to have them dashed. So I was happier. I knew that I would have to wait again until the desire to have a child out weighed the fear of calling. Eventually the desire did grow. By the middle of June I decided I would definitely do something by the end of July. I had no idea that That something would be to call my OB/GYN.
     I remember seeing the ultrasound that first appointment. I hadn't really believed that I was pregnant. I was still fearful that they would look and find nothing (Even now after seeing and hearing it, part of me still doesn't think it could be. It always takes them a moment to find the heartbeat. And in that moment, I think 'Yep, it's not real'). But there really was a baby. It was measuring 11 weeks. It was such a special feeling of joy-a gladness to my heart.

     While going through this journey of getting pregnant, I was mostly able to deal well with it. I'm pretty good at just moving forward and dealing with it. There were times that I would cry. Sometimes I would ask that silly question of "Why me?" Now it's not silly to ask it. But I think that most of the time there isn't necessarily a 'reason' for why you are going through what you are. I tried to rephrase the question to "Why not me?" My biggest answer to that was I have such a great family, a good support system. And it isn't just me going through this, I'm not the only one.
     Then I got what I wanted, and without paying as much as I thought we would. Now that I am pregnant, I sometimes think about those who still are struggling. I know it's hard each time a new cycle starts. And I think to myself, "Why me? Why do I get this?" and like before there isn't really an answer. The best I could answer with is that it is a gift.
     The struggle was a gift; the answer was a gift. I'm to take the gift-life-and learn what I can from it.