Thoughts

     We've been trying to get pregnant for about 2 1/2 years. I've taken fertility meds for a year and I've had 3 IUI with no success. It was time to move on to something different. I had decided to take a two month break and then to look into fertility clinics. When the two months were up though, I found myself hesitant to call. Every time I thought about calling a clinic I would get a panic feeling. I could not get myself to do it. Later I realized that I was happy. I still wanted a child, but I was not getting my hopes up each cycle to have them dashed. So I was happier. I knew that I would have to wait again until the desire to have a child out weighed the fear of calling. Eventually the desire did grow. By the middle of June I decided I would definitely do something by the end of July. I had no idea that That something would be to call my OB/GYN.
     I remember seeing the ultrasound that first appointment. I hadn't really believed that I was pregnant. I was still fearful that they would look and find nothing (Even now after seeing and hearing it, part of me still doesn't think it could be. It always takes them a moment to find the heartbeat. And in that moment, I think 'Yep, it's not real'). But there really was a baby. It was measuring 11 weeks. It was such a special feeling of joy-a gladness to my heart.

     While going through this journey of getting pregnant, I was mostly able to deal well with it. I'm pretty good at just moving forward and dealing with it. There were times that I would cry. Sometimes I would ask that silly question of "Why me?" Now it's not silly to ask it. But I think that most of the time there isn't necessarily a 'reason' for why you are going through what you are. I tried to rephrase the question to "Why not me?" My biggest answer to that was I have such a great family, a good support system. And it isn't just me going through this, I'm not the only one.
     Then I got what I wanted, and without paying as much as I thought we would. Now that I am pregnant, I sometimes think about those who still are struggling. I know it's hard each time a new cycle starts. And I think to myself, "Why me? Why do I get this?" and like before there isn't really an answer. The best I could answer with is that it is a gift.
     The struggle was a gift; the answer was a gift. I'm to take the gift-life-and learn what I can from it.

When Michael Found Out

My Family is the Best

Last Valentine's day I wanted to make heart sugar cookies and put the names of Michael's and Mine Family on them. However, with life moving on faster than I, I didn't find the time. I still wanted to do it and I found the time and the desire to make it happen in August. So I made 49 cookies (turns out I need to practice making sugar cookies). I invited my Parents and sibling that live around us over to help eat the cookies.  I should have taken pictures of the people that were there.

These are the people I grew up with. I love them dearly. I don't talk with them much now that we live far way. But I always enjoy being with them.

I remember dancing in the living room with my siblings to sound tracks like a Aldin and Eve 6.

 I remember Christmases where Dad and Mom would take us to the mall or something we would all search for things we liked and hint very strongly to the person next to us that we really wanted this (sometimes it wasn't a hint but a straight out buy this for me).

I remember what we would do as Dad took us around Europe seeing cathedrals and chateaus. Some would sit in the back of cathedrals and "contemplate." Others would put forth a little more effort and  would walk around the place then sit in the back and "contemplate."

I loved that we all were able to get together the last July. I'm glad that we were able to visit some Family graves in Brigham City and Logan.

My family has gotten quite large over the years.

I've come to love these people as well. They have been part of my family for the last 6 years (or something like that...I have a hard time counting past 3).

I'm glade that I'm able to see them at least twice a year. And when they get together they always have stories to tell of previous trips or holidays.

They care about each other. And they look after each other. They actually call their siblings on their birthdays. They stay up all night playing games with each other. They always have a good time with it. There's no hard feelings.

My family is really the best. I've always thought that. If we ever need something there would be many willing to reach out and help us. I know they love me. I have such a great family that I wanted to add to it myself. The addition comes at the end of February.